Self-love without loving yourself
“You know, it’s funny; when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” — Wanda from Bojack Horseman
I’ve been blogging a bit on the works of Ross Rosenberg MEd, and my last blog post where I mention his works is here. One thing about his work that’s been bothering me is the concept of self-love, which forms the basis of his Ten Stage Model of Self-Love Recovery Treatment. I don’t doubt that the treatment works for many people, but self-love is just, weird. At least for me.
Chapter 12 of Ross’ book The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap, describes Stage 8 of the treatment as the stage where the patient “finally begin to fall in love with themselves”. Yikes, that’s so creepy, I can’t relate to it! I can see why self-love is “far from selfish”, because I try not to hate myself for obvious reasons. I accept myself, but falling in love with myself? That concept reminds me of the dumb Internet joke, “I wish my homework was asexual, so then it could do itself”. Try not to laugh!
Up until recently, I was a Stage 7 sort of woman in accordance with chapter 12. Also recently, I successfully rekindled an old complicated friendship. Complicated is an understatement; essentially I had strong feelings for this person. Stronger than any feelings I’ve ever had for anyone else. I thought I had moved on from those feelings, but recently, those feelings returned. But before those feelings had an opportunity to lead me to another friendship disaster, I thought it’d be a good idea to apply what I wrote in my last blog post: Observe ‘your world’ in the here and now, and know when not to absorb it.
By way of background, I have a history of having experienced almost pathological loneliness, especially in recent years. To deal with this, and other negative (everyday) life experiences, I try to apply the following principles, with varying degrees of success:
- Clinically observe negativity, but don’t absorb negativity. Absorbing negativity is victimhood.
- Instead, absorb positivity, and be a healthily-dissociated clinician who’s emotionally-attuning.
Easier said than done with it comes to strong romantic feelings. So, I build on the above in applying the principles of The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle. It goes something like this:
My romantic feelings for my friend is not me. Such feelings are unconsciously amplified thoughts, from our past friendship pre-breakdown, and from the perceived future picture of our rekindled friendship. Because such feelings are ultimately negative, it only makes sense for me to focus on the present. In doing so, I consciously observe that there is no place for conditional love in what matters, and what matters is the here and now. Which leaves me with the only one option, the best option in hindsight: love my friend unconditionally, or at least strive to love them unconditionally.
I think what I’ve done here is that I’ve moved beyond the negative emotions based on memories and anticipations. The anticipated future is a perceived projection created by the mind, perhaps based on past experience. I strive to accept, not interpret, the past and the future for what they are, so what do they mean for the now?
In the past, my friend and I brought both joy and pain to each other’s lives. We ended up hurting each other too much, but I only realise now that the basis of my hurt inflicted on them is conditional love. Conditional love built on feelings that negatively absorbed me. They deserve more than just conditional love; they deserve unconditional love 100%, and no less. They deserve no less, because no one has changed my life for the better, like this person has.
When I realised this, I allowed this beautiful person’s spirit to come into my soul, and reside there like a flame, burning passionately in a constant here and now. I allow myself to consciously feel the burning passion — it feels like it’s happening right here, right now. The flame embodies what makes them beautiful, all of it, looking past the hurt of the past. They live within me, no matter where they are in the world, no matter if they’re in a relationship with someone else. As a developing Christian, I often struggled with understanding what it means to be alive in Christ (in the present). Now I get it! Whether it’s my friend, or Jesus Christ, I now feel self-love.
I understand that I’m playing with a double-edged sword here, but what isn’t in life? I won’t allow my mind to use me, rather I will use my mind to express a beautiful type of love. Unconditional love is not easy, and I have strayed from this endstate, and the here and now in general occasionally, but what’s the point in suppressing my feelings of love for my friend? I’m now running on a full life tank, thanks to an unconditional love I’ve chosen to sustain within me as much as possible, and I’m getting better at living in the now. It gives me a great sense of self-love, without loving myself, if that makes sense.
I’ve been lip-syncing more passionately to songs in the car more often, a good sign of living well. I’m now less motivated to seek desperately online for a date. I used to just see colour in the world. Very recently, I finally experienced emotionally seeing colour in the world. I’ve cried tears of joy over how beautiful my newfound unconditional love for my friend is. And as it is unconditional, I expect nothing back from them. They owe me nothing. Isn’t that beautiful and peaceful? I feel less lonely and more emotionally vibrant as a result, because my friend’s spirit lives within me, wherever I go, whatever the adversity in life. Discovering self-love at Stage 8 for me is self-acceptance, which has more or less been the case, without loving myself: I am enough with unconditional love for another.