Observe ‘your world’ in the here and now, and know when not to absorb it
Recently, I reread The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap by Ross Rosenberg MEd. I was feeling frustrated about my singlehood, and my almost pathological loneliness that’s been driving said frustration. I felt that I was missing a piece of the puzzle, like I accidentally skipped an important part of the book. You can read my blog post on my review of the book found here.
It turns out that I did miss something. It was Ross’ Observe, Don’t Absorb technique for neutralising narcissistic abuse, namely by using defensive fantasy scenarios. This is only briefly mentioned in his book, but here are three YouTube videos that elaborate on the technique: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Io15t9V5bXc, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MM0wVmrHmAA and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVKwxd5fkmo.
The defensive fantasy technique I found most useful was putting on a white lab coat, picking up a clipboard to take notes whilst observing, rather than absorbing. But then I realise that this isn’t just a technique for neutralising narcissism. This is a technique for managing everyday life as follows:
Clinically observe negativity, but don’t absorb negativity. Absorbing negativity is victimhood. Instead, absorb positivity, and be a healthily-dissociated clinician who’s emotionally-attuning. The result? Now that I’ve tried this, I’m now convinced that this will achieve for you mental health recovery in less than a minute, every time you practice. And practice makes perfect.
I talked about this discovery with a friend, who then responded by recommending that I read The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle. So I read The Power of Now, which could be summarised as follows:
Your thoughts are actually not you. Thoughts are unconscious, from the past and future, and, as such, are negative thoughts. The present is the here and now, and is consciously observable; the here and now are not thoughts that absorb you.
Your thoughts make up your past ego and future ego. You are not your ego, rather, you are a present being. The ego is a false sense of self, and creates dysfunctional unconsciousness. Dysfunctional unconsciousness is when the mind is using you, rather than you using the mind.
Your body reacts to the mind via emotions. Emotions are amplified thoughts. Dissociate from the thoughts, but don’t dissociate from yourself. Do that by feeling the present here and now, not by thinking about it.
Memory and anticipation are traps. These traps are the root cause of mental health issues. The anticipated future is a perceived projection created by the mind, perhaps based on past experience. There is only now. Don’t feel negative emotions. Accept them for what they are, by observing what they mean for the now. Try this: at any given moment, make an effort to be conscious of your breathing. Welcome to the present, the here and now.
Perhaps, for example, you have an eating disorder. Body image is the perception that you have of you physical self and the thoughts (specifically, the interpretations) that result from that perception. Therefore what you think/interpret about your physical self, based on what you see, is actually not you. If you looked at your body right here and now, what do you see? Do you just see it for what it just is, and feel that in the moment, or do you take a step further by interpreting what you see? If you interpreted, was your interpretation driven by a past trauma, or by a desirable future outcome to avoid a repeat of past trauma?
If what you think about your body leads to feeling dissatisfaction, is that dissatisfaction, an amplified thought, really you? If the dissatisfaction leads to preoccupation with your body, is that preoccupation really you, right here right now? If the answer is no and no, perhaps eating disorder behaviours such as isolating yourself, excessive exercising, and disordered eating (in anticipation of body appearance change) are not consciously you either. Because what do such amplified thoughts mean for the now, in this moment?
The moral of the story? Observe ‘your world’ in the here and now, and know when not to absorb it.
Sometime ago, I was given You’ll Get Through This: Hope And Help For Your Turbulent Times (miniature edition) by Texas-based pastor Max Lucado, as a gift. But I didn’t read it in full until last week. The You’ll Get Through This blurb on the inside of the front cover reads as follows:
“You’ll get through this–financial woes, relationship valleys, health crises, and more.
You fear you won’t make it through, that the pain will never leave. Will this load ever lighten? Yes! Deliverance is to the Bible what jazz music is to Mardi Gras: bold, brassy, and everywhere. Consider the [Book of Genesis] story of Joseph — tossed in a pit, sold into slavery, wrongfully imprisoned. But God wove what was meant for evil into good.
God is in the business of redeeming the broken. He was then. He still is.”
Max proposes to us the following axiom, and reinforces the truth behind the story of Joseph (and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat) by exploring how this axiom and Joseph’s story applies to modern everyday life:
“You’ll get through this. It won’t be painless. It won’t be quick. But God will use this mess for good. In the meantime don’t be foolish or naïve. But don’t despair either. With God’s help you will get through this.”
Perhaps not a message for non-Christians. But you can see how the moral of the story remains the same: observe ‘your world’ in the here and now, and know when not to absorb it. You’ll get through the thoughts, if you realise that those thoughts are actually not you. Realising the power of now is not painless, nor is it quick. To believe that God will use the mess for good requires a leap of faith kind of thought, so therefore, in the here and now, don’t be foolish and naïve to fall into the despair of dysfunctional unconsciousness.
Even if Joseph didn’t have God’s help, I believe that it’d still have been entirely possible for Joseph to get through with a non-religious power of now. From what I could tell from the Book of Genesis, Joseph and his brothers experienced different forms of childhood emotional neglect, which shaped their adulthoods. I wrote about this type of neglect in a blog post found here, where I reviewed the book Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb PhD. Self-care is the treatment to such neglect, and realising the power of now is probably the best form of self-care.
I’ve mentioned four self-help books in this blog post, the fifth that forms part of my menal health pentalogy is 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos by Dr Jordan B Peterson. The best summary I’ve seen on the Internet of his book is found here. His pop psychology got me hooked, and I read his book before reading the other four. It was a great entrée, just as You’ll Get Through This was a great dessert option for Christians. It’s the other three books that are a must-have three-course meal for mental health recovery.